Silence not so awkward

We lay on our living room sofa at about 8pm one beautiful day last December. It was just us – us against the night and for a moment, there was an awkward silence. Not because one of us had said something untoward to the other but because the silence was really all there was to hear. Our toddler had been tucked in for the night and you already know that’s a parent win. We had turned the TV off some minutes earlier, we had also tucked our mobile phones away. We decided that evening that we were just going to enjoy one another’s company before we would ultimately bore each other to sleep.

The silence was unusual. Where was my phone? Were we now living in the medieval times? When last did we just sit and enjoy good company without the distractions we have in our lives today? From the TV to mobile phones to music blasting from our headphones to the news breaking all around us, you couldn’t really do away with the noise even if you tried. Or maybe it just takes a lot of discipline. Why is it so hard to get some quiet in our ever-so-busy minds and lives? Why does a moment of quiet automatically seem like boredom to us? Why must we always be entertained? Why is silence so unpopular in this generation?

So, we put that quiet evening to good use, Kay and myself. We talked for a while and our hearts seemed to connect so much better without all the distractions. I’m a hopeless romantic – I mean, the only thing missing that night was that we were not talking under the watch of the crescent moonlight and twinkling stars – yet I’m going somewhere different with this. I honestly think what made every minute worth the while was that we were both fully present in our conversation. From why we didn’t have more quality time together like this, to unraveling our plans for the coming year (my manners, happy new year!), we conversed. When we weren’t talking, we were thinking. And what first seemed like awkward silence became bouts of personal reflections, individually and as a team. I hope that we stumble on more nights like that. Or maybe we should schedule them and not hope to stumble on them, who knows. One thing I do know: the quiet makes a lot of difference. When last did you actually just listen to the heart of your loved ones, their thoughts, ambitions, goals, fears and everything in between? In the quiet, we learn to listen and communicate. I think that getting comfortable with silence (don’t read as silent treatment) will help us build better relationships.

Now let’s talk about how the quiet affects another kind of relationship: the one with our own selves. When last did you enjoy your own company without the constant scrolling through social media? When last did you go on a mental journey of self-discovery? It sounds funny but some of us can’t stand our own selves. We can hardly self-reflect, plan, or have a conversation with ourselves (as long as you do this silently, this doesn’t mean you’re crazy). Many things happen in that sweet place of calm, rest, and self-reflection. Insights can be gained, ideas birthed, goals set, good memories relieved. We will become more thankful and thoughtful as we make it a habit to flash our lives’ journeys and timelines before our very minds. We may even learn a thing or two from old experiences and mistakes that are remembered. How can we intend to be good company to others when we can’t be good company to ourselves, or we have a problem with the quiet in our lives?

Just one more kind of relationship where silence is important and I’ll wrap this up, (I’m constantly making an effort to get better at communicating my points with fewer words now, thanks MBA!). I’m currently reading a really good book on prayer (A praying life by Paul Miller) and if I could summarize the first chapter in one sentence, it would be: ‘if you want to strengthen your relationship with God and communicate with Him as your father, you need to be able to block out the noise and just be still in His presence’. Are you too carried away by the bustle of life that you never remember to be still? How would your relationship with God be strengthened if you are never comfortable with quiet and stillness? You know, many of us Christians silently complain that we don’t hear God speak to us. I think that sometimes the question is: are we listening? A life of prayer doesn’t happen when we just reel out our prayer requests every morning and call it a day, it’s a communion that should happen all day every day – alongside the will to block out the noise.

Although technology is a generally common form of noise, for some people, noise could come from having a cluttered mind, working on too many projects at a time, over-partying or something as simple as having too many apps open on your device (hopefully I’m normal but I can personally get a headache from just staring at a ton of web-pages open on my laptop). This year, have moments where you: sit at home on a weekend to read a book, take a walk in the park (literally), go for a run, take time off social media/TV, organize the space you live or work in, practice listening and meditation as you spend quality time with God, yourself and loved ones. Level the noise, embrace quiet. The first thing I learnt this year is that there is nothing wrong with silence.