A distant friend of mine – let’s call her friend A, recently commenced her Doctor of Philosophy degree (Phd) programme in a university I may have dreamt of attending. Pretty young chapette. She is on a scholarship too. I’m actually not surprised. I mean, she’s always been very smart and she deserves all of the good stuff. However, this raised some questions in my mind – why couldn’t that have been me? does she have two heads? am I not as smart as she is? A few months ago, another good friend – let’s label her friend B, said to me: Girl, you have such a perfect life, everything always works out great for you. I’m not going to bore you with the reasons she cited for making this assertion but of a truth, a part of me agreed that she really had a point. But then, the greater part of me flashed back to the many imperfections in my life – the ones most people may not see. There is a high likelihood that this is how my friend A above would feel if I ever told her that I thought her life was perfect. Comparison problems.
Do you see the train of thoughts here? As humans, we are often driven by a natural tendency to juxtapose our lives with that of others, especially those we think we’re supposedly to be on the same level as. Peradventure, this is an attitude which we subconsciously imbibed from the way society vis-a-vis the educational system, is structured. And we just carried it along with us in life. It now just seems that there is an invisible rating mechanism in our heads, by which we judge ourselves. While it is occasionally helpful to compare and contrast with our peers, it should not be made a habit especially as we get older, as it eventually does more harm than good. Sometimes, it’s impossible to not fall into the ‘comparison trap’ particularly when it feels like ‘everyone’ is leaving you behind but I hope I strike a chord in your mind here – if you need your peace, don’t do it.
It’s okay – even helpful to have mentors or people you ‘look up to’, these kinds of people challenge us to do better, but the moment you start wishing you had their life, you need to sit back and tell yourself some truths.
Things to remember when you are tempted to compare your life with somebody else’s:
Chances are there will always be someone who does something better than you (and perhaps someone you do something better than). Rest. Trust me. And I’ll borrow the relationship scenario here. There is almost always someone ‘better’ than your current partner. Asides the fact that better is relative, if one were to move on every time somebody that seemed better showed up, one would have to change partners constantly. Absurd right? And so, instead of searching for the ‘best partner there is in the world’ (I’m not sure if they exist), we would ideally find and stick with the ‘best partners for us’. Now, replace partner with yourself in this scenario and stop being so hard on yourself. *Note that this is not supposed to be an excuse to settle for mediocrity.
You only need to be the best version of yourself. As a protraction of the former point, the only person you need to be in competition with, is yourself. Show me a man who strives to be better than he was yesterday and I’ll show you a genuinely successful fellow. Somebody may be better at something than you, but there may be certain areas where you also do something better than that same person no matter how seemingly insignificant. In other words, focus on your core strengths, and kick ass while at it.
No one’s life is perfect. In as much as some people seem to have the perfect life and you just wish you could exchange lives with them if that were even possible, keep in mind that people only show you the aspect of their lives that they want you to see. So you want to be careful what you wish for. Agreed, some people generally seem like they have it all together but most if not all of them are fighting battles that you have no idea about. I bet if we always saw the dark sides, we’d be more kind to our own selves.
Comparison can lead to sadness and envy. Remember that scenario with friend A above? If you typically feel like your life is the worst among your peers and you find yourself constantly wondering why you are never as ‘lucky’ as that other person, sadness will inadvertently begin to creep into your mind. Not only that, you may even begin to wonder if that other person deserves as much good as they seem to be getting in life. Honestly, it’s not worth it. Protect your joy.
There is enough room for everyone to succeed at what they do. Yes I said it. Even if they are doing the same thing. It does not matter if you are the twelve-thousandth person to venture into something, all you need to do is to keep giving it your best. In as much as you may feel like that zone is already saturated, you will be surprised to learn that the world actually needs more of it. And if you can offer it and are led t do it, do your part and be good at it.
Feel free to re-strategize at any point in your life, if you feel the need to. We all get only one chance at this thing called life and it should be lived to the fullest of its potential. So if you feel like you can do something better, do go ahead, it doesn’t make you a hypocrite or a copy-cat, it makes you a good learner. You should not do something because someone else is doing it, and vice-versa but you are responsible for the choices you make and the path you lead in life. Everyone is running their own race. Run yours. And do it diligently too.
A certain wise person once said and I quote: “Every minute you spend wishing you had someone’s life is a minute spent wasting yours” . So honey, go forth and run your race to the best of your ability.
**This post is primarily directed at individuals, and not abstract concepts such as comparing two or more economies, government systems, sports, or even food
Read: The-7-letter-word-that-determines-how-your-life-turns-out
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